U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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