conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
