i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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