I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
