i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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