i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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