And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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