Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
