i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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