I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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