apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
