Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
