I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions