just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
