We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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