it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
