my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
God, I missed his penis.
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