if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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