I faked an abortion last night.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
