it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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