woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
