I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
