if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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