My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
