Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
