It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
