You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
