The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
