I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
