Pappa wants mamma naked
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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