my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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