OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
