Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
