That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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