So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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