and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
