remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
