Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The uberlube is also flammable
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
