and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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