Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
