So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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