I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
