I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
