if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
