Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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