i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
