I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
