is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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