if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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