i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
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the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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