Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You ate ashes out of my bong
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
