How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
