Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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