Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
