Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
