I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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