my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
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