nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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