I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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