Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
