How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
