Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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